Birth Story (to the best of my memory)

There were 4 things I had my mind set on for labor and delivery:

1. to go into labor naturally without an induction
2. to labor and birth naturally with no drugs
3. to have a completely natural birth, no c-section
4. to have my little boy circumcised

Since I had gestational diabetes I was told at 38weeks that they were going to induce me at 39 weeks. I'm still unclear as to why they wanted to induce only a week early when I followed the diet to a T and the baby was still measuring right on target, but I suppose the doctors and midwives know best. So there's number one on my list flushed down the toilet.

On Tuesday, November 3rd I went into the hospital at 7am and received a dose of cervadil at 10 am. My sister Darleene, niece Heather, mom, and Greg were with me and made me walk up and down the short hallway of the maternity ward at the hospital. At some point in the day I starting having mild contractions, by dinner time they were one on top of the other. I continued to walk the hallways only stopping at the peak of each contraction. I tried a few different laboring positions that we learned in our child birth classes, but they didn't really help me much. Eventually the midwife offered me to either go home and sleep or stay there and sleep (with the help of some drugs). I was in enough pain that I was not able to walk to the car to go home, so I attempted to sleep at the hospital. Even when everyone thought I was asleep I was awake just listening and trying to convince everyone else to get some sleep. I figured if they thought I was sleeping, that they would sleep. At 2 am my water broke, waking me up. I woke Greg up and he called the nurse who then asked me "are you sure?" OF COURSE I'M SURE! I don't randomly pee the bed.

Wednesday morning I attempted to eat breakfast, but couldn't find a lot of time between contractions to get much down. I was already at the point where I couldn't talk through the contractions, so it was frustrating when people were talking to me. I spent most of the day in the birthing tub, only getting out when forced to. Darleene and Heather held my hands out of the water when the nurses said I was getting too water logged. I did my best not to yell or scream and just kept myself in my own little zone, singing Hole's Malibu in my head and reminding myself during each contraction that "it's can't last forever, just get through this one!" At one point, while in bed, I used a vibrating massager on my hips during contractions. I could hear people saying "I'm sure that's not relieving the pain, it's just comforting her." Actually, it was helping the pain quite a bit!

At some point after the sun had gone down and I was still only 7 cm dilated, my midwife, Liza came in and suggested an epidural. HELL NO! Of course I didn't say it that way to her; I was very polite in telling her now, I didn't want one. I had been pushing a little bit in the tub, but it did nothing but make it easier for me to get through each contraction. After what I estimated to be half and hour (Greg says 2 hours) I sat on the bed in nothing but a blanket, Liza in my face, my mom next to her and an anesthesiologist behind me. Liza was firm but sweet and convinced me that I had labored enough and that the baby needed some rest as much as I did. I cried into my mom's shoulder as they put the needle into my back, not out of pain (I didn't feel a thing!) but out of number 2 on my list unfulfilled. 

Once the meds set in I felt great! My toes tingled and it felt nice to feel something other than pain. I still knew when there were contractions, I just wasn't as aware of them. After some more time passed (I have no idea how much time) I was still only 8.5 cm dilated and still pushing! Finally, Liza suggested a c-section. I started to cry. My heart was broken, my baby wasn't out yet, and they were going to do to me the one thing that scared me the most at that moment- cut me open while I was awake and aware. Liza was in my face once again with her strange, yet effective firmness combined with the sweet and gentle voice. I refused over and over again. Heather talked to me, Darleene talked to me. The only thing I could say was "no one else had to do it!" (Meaning no one else in my family had, they were all able to do it naturally and I wanted that!) I don't know how long it took, but eventually Liza got me to nod my head in agreement for the c-section (they couldn't do it without my permission).

In the operating room I was shaking like crazy, but they didn't tie me down. A few nurses were talking me through the entire event along with Liza and Greg. Everyone else waited outside peeking in through a small window (ewww, I don't know why they have a window into the operating room). They placed an oxygen mask next to me in case I felt I needed it (which I used, but I think it was more to comfort my anxiety) and a blue sheet in front of me so I couldn't see anything. After some meds a doctor poked me and asked if I could feel him. I said yes. He did it again and I just waited. He asked once more and I said "I guess not because I keep waiting to feel it." Liza told me at one point to talk to my baby and encourage him to come out. Then I felt some pressure, nothing intolerable, and she said "this is you giving birth to your baby! talk to him!" and I thought "no it's not, it's you pulling him out through my belly!" but I said "Come on out, Killian, Mama wants to meet you!"

He came out quietly, then started to cry (which made everything suddenly much more real than ever before, and I cried). They wrapped him up and gave him to Greg who brought him to me. As soon as I kissed his cheek he stopped crying. They weighed and measured him and took some blood from his heels, then brought him back so I could see him. Greg put his Killian's cheek to mine so we could have some bonding before they wheeled me out and into the recovery room. The meds wore off quickly, I was able to move my legs again before we were even settled in the room. The rest of the night is a blur to me now. As happy as that time was for me, it was number 3 on my list that didn't go my way.

A few days later the doctor came in to check on the baby. Since his foreskin was short he said that a circumcision was not medically necessary. We debated this so much before I even got pregnant that this was not what I wanted to hear. I made an appt with another doctor (the one who actually performs the surgery) for a week later. He told us the same thing! Once again I was in tears. Not one thing on my list went the way I had planned it (which may be what caused so much of my PPD). It took me about a month to get over this fact. Now I have a wonderful little boy and a crazy birth story to tell (and a gnarly scar!).