Little by Little

As Killian grows and spend more time with him at home I notice that I'm not so nostalgic anymore. I don't know if it was still PPD symptoms or if my IUD hormones were effecting me, but I'm feeling a greater sense of being a mother now, and loosing that longing to stay a child at home with my parents. I still get bits of it here and there, like last week when I had a perfect summer day, just like I did when I was 12....

Friday I went up to visit my mom. Killian went down for his nap around 1:00 so I took the opportunity to get some sun in the pool. I went upstairs to get my suit on and the smell of summer at my parents house wafted past my nose. The sun came in through the window just as it always has, hitting the floor in the exact spot I used to do somersaults by the top of the stairs for an adrenaline rush, lol. The heat of the upstairs felt great, but it felt even better to get into my bathing suit.

I cleaned out the pool and the smell of the chlorine was faint in the air; the aroma of the leaves baking in the heat was what grabbed my attention. I got in the water quicker than usual, but still pretty slowly. As soon as I was cool I got onto the raft to catch some rays. That's when the nostalgia really hit! Looking up at the leaves that never used to actually come over the pool made me realize how long we'd actually had the pool (over 12 years!). However, the horizon still looked the same. The scents in the air (and water I suppose) mixed with the sights were only complimented by the sounds of the birds singing and the leaves rustling in the wind. It brought me waaayy back! I got this hollowness in my stomach that wasn't painful or bad, but exciting! I got off the raft and swam until I couldn't swim anymore! It felt exhilarating!

Although I was feeling nostalgic, my only thoughts (besides "this is heaven!") were "I can't wait until Killian wakes up and I can share this with him!"

And I did! He wasn't crazy about the water; no facial expressions, no crying, but no laughing either. He just kicked his legs about and snuggled into my chest. It was an even better feeling than what I had experienced while he was sleeping! As much as I sort of enjoy reliving the summer when I was 12, it felt good to know that I can live in the moment now, too and enjoy it.