Oh Brother!

My one brother that creates the most drama in our family is at it once again. He blames our Mother for all of his issues and troubles. It used to be about every 6 months or so he would call and rant about how she "failed as a mother" and "favors some children over others," and so on. For years I've watched him cause our Mother to cry over past mistakes that she has tried over and over to make up for. While she was raising my brothers and sister, she was a single mother working 2 jobs so she wouldn't have to rely on the state to support them. She did what she though was right for her and her family at the time. Maybe she should have accepted some help so that she could have spent more time with them and helped them to make better choices in their lives (like she did with me), but things were different back then. She didn't realize the consequences of her decisions would be.

Two years ago our Mom decided to see a therapist. This was possibly one of the best things she has done for herself. The therapist told her that my brother needs to own up for his own decisions (like he keeps telling her to do) and stop blaming her. She taught our Mom how to deal with all of the stress and guilt that my brother places on her. Since then, she has stopped crying when he calls with his rants. I'm proud of her for this. She is becoming emotionally stronger.

Dear brother hasn't been heard from in almost a year. I tried for many years to stay neutral and still talk to and hang out with my brother. I looked up to him as a child and always thought of him as a role model (until I was about 17 when he started the rantings). Last year when he told my mother for the third time that she was dead to him and not to try and contact him ever again, I had had enough. I could no longer handle the emotional pain he was causing my Mom. I had to stick up for her.

I haven't talked to my brother in almost a year. No one in our family has (other than one other brother whom I see only at Christmas time). There has been little drama in our family and it's been nice. We have our family picnics and holiday gatherings and we enjoy being together and getting along. Why my brother chose now to start ranting again, I don't know, but the family is in an uproar once again. My sister and 2 brothers feel they need to talk to said brother and make him stop. I feel that if I say anything to him, it's just fueling his fire, so I keep quiet.

Now that I have my own son, I think I understand my Mom's pain more. I know she cannot stand up to my brother because she loves him. She knows that she could have done more for him as a child, and she does feel honest guilt over it. She as told him this before. She owns up to every accusation he puts on her. But it's not enough for him. Now I'm feeling the pain and the fear that this may be my future (although, I'm more confident that it will not be). I want to address my brother and let the anger that I'm feeling toward him out. But will it do any good? I've been a go between for them many times as a teenager, and it worked for a few months until he got pissed off and ranted again. So I know that will not work this time.

I've gone over and over in my head what I would do if it were my son talking to me this way. Would I demand respect? Where would that get me? Would I own up to the accusations and try to mend things? (Although I've seen this fail over and over with my brother.)  Or would I just let him live his life and continue living mine without him in it? I know that would hurt immensely, but when nothing else works, what is one to do? What more could he want? What can I do to make my Mom feel better? *sigh*